Virtual.
So the question is, can you go on a journey without actually travelling and if you don’t leave the boundaries of your house will that be still considered a travel?
Judging from my experience in the past two years I’d say definitely yes!
About this time two winters ago, I started a search for my family roots, I was not aware at the time that I was embarking on a journey, but looking back I am amazed at how much ground I managed to cover. This was definitely a journey. It had all the components of a good journey in it. There was the realization that something is missing, the pressing need to find answers, the unknown terrain and the slow and at times painful progress. The frustration was there in the moments I felt lost and stuck and the deep satisfaction when another piece of the puzzle matched the rest perfectly. The journey like so many others started with a seemingly clear destination only once started gained a momentum of its own and the journey in itself, not the port on the other side, became the main thing. Every answer gained opened the road to another and every piece that fell into place widened the overall view and pointed to other possible trails not yet travelled.
Let me take one step back and offer some explanation for this trip.
It was about two years ago when I suddenly realized that I have no idea where my name came from. Initially I was somewhat amused but mostly embarrassed. It was sudden as until that moment I had a nicely rehearsed story about this name, Ariela Levia. I liked the story how I was named after my maternal grandmother and how both my first and middle name have the same meaning.
And then out of the blue a stubborn thought emerge. “Not possible” was the first stage of the process. “Your version of being named after your maternal grandmother makes no sense at all.” Jews do not name new born babies after live relatives. I might have adopted the story my mother told of her grandmother who died when she was three, still living in Vienna before “The war”. Who knows, memory is a tricky thing. Yet I am pretty sure my grandmother was alive when I was born, and her name was Ethel Stern. I actually came across her birth certificate signed and stamped 114 years ago.
I know this is not earth shattering. A name is a name and so what if this story and many others I used to rely on became instantly dubious and imprecise. At first I was going to let this whole thing fade away, I even laughed it off and threatened to take a new name, something easier to pronounce and shorter.
I toyed with the idea for few days but the persistent thoughts did not leave and so I set off on a trip to see if I can find something more. Since both my parents were no longer alive I had to make do with whatever little information I had. A handful of old documents, few black and white pictures and one video of my mother retelling her life during the war were the start. I have two old aunts in Israel but unfortunately they are from my father side and last my cousin Miki who turned out to be even less knowledgeable then me.
The unexpected happened, when I was searching the internet as a last resort. When I clicked the miserly information I had into different genealogical sites and felt as if I was calling for directions in a total darkness. But the information start coming in bits and pieces. It came from all corners of the globe from people I never met and probably never will. These strangers took a moment and researched old files, registries and data lists and found the information for me. Projects like the name project of Yad Vashem in Jerusalem, the Mormon Church microfilm archives in Utah and yes, the institute for memory in Slovakia contributed more details.
Modern day technology enabled me to conduct the trip, most of the time, from the comfort of my home with my computer being my companion and guide. That’s’ not to say the journey lacked the excitement of meeting other travelers and being rewarded by their experience and knowledge. More than once I was helped out of a rut in the road due to the generosity of my fellow travelers.
What are the merits of this type of traveling you might ask?
This was a journey of the mind if you will but still about movement, getting from point a. to point b. with the real change of scenery going on internally.
The places I found are far-off and with no pictures of the many distant relatives it is difficult to see them as more than meaningless thread of names. Still these names are the only connection I have to my family and my past. Maybe a name is not just a name, something to treat lightly and change on a whim. A name sometimes is the only memory left of a persons’ whole life.
OK, this is only me and everyone is entitled to their own view on the matter.
Interesting to read this--to see what you do have a hold on and also what you can't get under control. Tone is very definitely an issue here.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I think you do have: an unusual premise. Travel in time and in mind as opposed to travel in space. Your original argument for that premise is excellent.
But you're not sure how much detail to lay out about the search, and that's very understandable. To describe the search, the journey, the travel in detail is probably the work of a book, not an essay. Certainly there are hundreds of memoirs of Holocaust survivors or the descendants of survivors trying to piece together what happened. I recently read an extremely good example by Daniel Mendelsohn, 'The Lost.'
So, you give a bit of a taste of that kind of material up the middle here--but you can't sustain that without writing that books so you return to the travel-at-home premise in the last five grafs. But we've already bought the premise, so what are you selling here at the end? You've dodged away from something an essay can't do and gone back to something you already have done, so wind up pretty much out of breath and out of gas by the end.
Strong first half, weak last half is my short take. To fix, if you wanted to fix? NOt sure, unless you want to describe more of what you found, but those last five grafs are a problem for sure. It is possible to beat a metaphor to death for a reader, to insist on it so strenuously that the reader begins resisting....
This is a very potent line, though, and might be a direction to take the piece if you wanted to avoid more detail about your research: "A name sometimes is the only memory left of a persons’ whole life." That's quite strong, quite moving.
Tone: your tone veers between great confidence early on to surrender and uncertainty in the very last line.
My daughter has a bumper sticker on her car saying “Boldly going nowhere” I hope that is not the way I come across. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs much as I like to travel and have had my share of it I find the “travel of the mind” much more intriguing.
As for the tone and topics. I have been struggling with this issue for awhile. Being normally a “serious person” I tend to write heavy deep perhaps over thought stuff. Ironically I find time after time that my voice comes across much clearer when I stay on the “light side”.
For this assignment I started with a real travel (actually going places) piece and just hated it.
Then I did the virtual travel one which you are right, I have been writing and writing again different versions for the past two years. I have longer takes on it, shorter takes, half amused ones and so on. It became very important part of my time and thoughts, only the live people around me unlike the virtual ones thought I am just obsessing over it. I think that is where this last version came from. It’s a tribute to my virtual friends. I am not sure where the unsure tone come from in this piece but I would like to find a way to fix it.
My prescription for unsure tone is to focus--obsess, if you like--and not come up for air. I wouldn't try 'explaining' much to my reader; writing in the first half here is for the writer, but through the magic and chemistry of art, the reader is swept into the obsession, the very small and nuts-and-bolts details.
ReplyDeleteIt's the more general, 'bigger' things where the writing wavers.
As far as light vs serious--yes, 'Gridlock' and 'For Better or Worse' both have a droll and amused, light tone that works well. I don't think seriousness and humor at war; humor is one of the not-many things that makes life bearable, and that is a very serious matter indeed.
'are at war,' I meant.
ReplyDelete